I think I won the penis lottery.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
