The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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