i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Randomize
