You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Randomize
