the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
