I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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