woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize