So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
My ATM looks so different sober.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
