He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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