Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
