Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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