Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize