Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
