The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
