I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
