you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
