I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
P.S. I can't hear my feet
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
