I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
