He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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