I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
