Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
