I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
What changed your mind?
Being sober
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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