Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
