I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
