The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
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