I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
My bed is full of blood and feathers
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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