Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Randomize
