Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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