I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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