The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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