No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
