Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
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