It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
