Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
