Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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