our cab driver is having phone sex.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
