you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
