Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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