Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
