he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
