Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
