i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
