Is it normal to miss your booty call?
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
