So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
