Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
