it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
