trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
