I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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