I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
