well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
