He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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