I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
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