You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
