Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
