Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize