I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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