theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
