im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
